A few days ago, my friend and I checked out each other’s scar from having our moles surgically removed. I mentioned about people not mistaking me for being a talkative person anymore because my mole on my upper lip is gone now. Before, they would always joke how I have that facial feature which connotes being chatty and yet discover that I am this shy and quiet person. And she said,

“Lac, wakalan ka bala.”

I was also surprised someone thought of me that way, that I’m talkative. I just laughed at what she said but at the back of my mind, I sort of agree too.

I believe that not every person is just either on the introvert or extrovert spectrum. Some introverts have extrovert traits and vice versa. So in my case, I believe that I’m more of an introvert because I shy away from conversations especially if I’m not in the mood and a lot of times, I love me-time.

But at the same time, there are times when I just want to know new people and learn new things. I’m at times craving for new experiences. And I wouldn’t satisfy that without turning off my introversion and switching my extrovert game face on. When I was interviewed for the Pubcrawl volunteer application, I was asked if I can make a quick switch to extroversion especially that that was what required of me in the “engineering happiness” business. I said yes.

But what really pushed me to talk to strangers is Couchsurfing. If you got no idea about it, it’s an app which enables the members to connect with locals to stay with them, meet up and chat or tour them around. I can recall my introvert self being excited whenever I receive a couch request and yet being jittery about clicking the “Accept” button. I then get this internal debate about being not in the mood to talk to strangers versus telling myself, “Hey, he’s from Japan,” or “She has traveled Europe with little to no money,” with the thinking that I’m passing up on a great experience.

And so, I might be talking a lot about Couchsurfing, foreigners, and non-native English-speaking problems. And please don’t think of this as a general guideline. This is just my personal guide, notes-to-self that I gathered from experience. You may or may not agree. You can tell me about it in the comments section below.

1) It’s normal to be awkward.

When I receive a couch request, I try to chat up the person and get a feel of their trustworthiness, and in the later part of my hosting, our compatibility. I got a lot of and different kinds of awkward the first few hosting that I did so I try to check out if we have things in common so that we’ll have something to really talk about, and also if the person is my opposite wherein he/she is talkative so that person will fill in dead air if I caught myself tongue tied.

But then, there will be people who are talkative in chat but quiet in person or not so responsive in chat but in person talks a lot. So I never really know until I meet them. Sometimes, the introduction part was flawless but the continuation is just meh. Sometimes, the first conversation is awkward but the later part, once you picked on each other’s interests, conversation just flows.

I sometimes scold myself for being not too ready about making small talk but I just calm myself and, over time, accept awkward situations. It’s no one’s fault. These things happen for first meetings. You shouldn’t always expect to hit it off with everyone especially that people have different personalities.

2) There are plenty of things to talk about. It helps to be observant.

What I love about talking to strangers is the fact that we’re starting at ground zero. I can always start with “Where are you from?” followed up by “Why are you here in the Philippines/Iloilo?” then with “How long are you staying here?” Then you can talk about their language, what’s the best thing about their country/city, hobbies, likes and dislikes, work, school, places he/she had been to, his/her most memorable experience, etc.

Then, if you run out of those kinds of questions, make observations. You see a tattoo, you can ask about where and how did he/she get it. They asked you where to see a cock fight, you can ask them to tell you how that was interesting for them. You see one of them bringing a banjo, you can ask how she learned to play it, how long had she been playing it, and maybe ask her to play for you.

I saw that one of my Russian guests wears a couple of bracelets and she said it’s from every country she’d been to. I noticed how my Polish guest had just one small bag unlike the usual backpackers, I asked if how much stuff did she bring since she’s traveling for about three months already. She said, that’s the point, she’s traveling long-term and she doesn’t want to bring a lot. And we turned up laughing about how she can fit a wool blanket with all her other stuff in her small bag.

3) Pick up on their interests and things they love.

This is a bit related to number two but I’d just like to expand on it. Common sense, we like talking about things we know and things we love and we would avoid talking about things that we don’t know about. If you’re talking to a stranger who is also an introvert like you, take note of his/her interests and make a conversation out of it.

I had a Korean student before who is known to be shy. He is majoring in Physics and I told him my mother was a Physics teacher. I honestly told him that I don’t really like Physics but I found a topic that I like and relate it to his love of Physics: time travel. I love time travel in movies so I gave him an assignment for one of our sessions to explain to me the science of time travel. Unlike our other classes, he was speaking 60-70% in our hour of class. We ended up being friends.

My first guest in Couchsurfing was from Manila, a heritage lover. Well, she was naturally a talker and she talked to me about architecture and historical markers while I toured her around downtown area. I’m not really the person who likes listening to history and Filipino cultural stuff but listening to her talking about Calle Real and the provincial jail, I was put to shame but in a good way. I realized I have a lot more to learn about my city.

4) It’s okay to make mistakes.

I think what hinders a person from communicating is the fear of making mistakes or saying stupid things. Oh, I wouldn’t want him to know my opinion because I’m not sure if it’s correct. I don’t want to talk to foreigners because I might commit grammar errors. Sometimes, you have to set yourself free from all the nerves to make memories.

Once, in my attempt to ask a question to a trio of guys from Czech Republic, and maybe out of curiosity too, I asked, “So what’s the language there?” One guys answered, “Well, guess what, Czech.” Towards the end of the crawl [Pubcrawl event], they were teaching me weird dance moves. Maybe it’s just me thinking it was stupid.

My guest and I were talking about millenial parents’ mindset and I was saying, “You Europeans…” He interrupted me, “Where am I from? Do you know?” I said, “Yes, Colombia,” with a very confused look because I’m sure he’s from Colombia. He said, “I’m not European. It’s [Colombia] in South America.” LOL! Not really geographically-oriented. We laughed it off.

5) Be sensitive to their personal beliefs, culture, etc.

When you meet different people from different places with different ways of life, you’ll appreciate, well, diversity. I somehow got an understanding why Russians love the sunny weather of the Philippines, the tidiness of the Japanese, the atheism of one of my Korean students. It’s sometimes hard to think about what to ask, all the more to think if it’s going to be offensive or not.

My sister and I wouldn’t forget about hosting this person from a country which is known to be clean and has an orderly public system. This guest stayed in a room we’re renting in the city. We tried our best to clean our room but somewhere in our conversation wherein we’re talking about the differences of our countries, he happened to mention the word “dirty.” We were quite offended but we just thought of where he came from and so we understood his standards of cleanliness.

6) Communication is two-way.

Maybe I got used to this system of talking to strangers wherein I had in my mind a list of questions to ask that one time, one of the strangers I’m talking to asked, “How about you? Tell us what’s interesting about you.” I somehow froze because I wasn’t prepared to answer anything. My mind was set in throwing questions that I forgot I have to say something too.

So I’m saying be prepared to say something about yourself too. For me, one of the positive things of my travels is that I have now stories to share. Back when I started Couchsurfing, I really have nothing to share when they ask me back, “Tell me about yourself.” When I volunteered in Pubcrawl last April, each night starts with that phrase. It’s a breath of fresh air to find more people you click with because of traveling as a common ground.

I found myself giving them tips and sharing my own knowledge and experience. It felt good that I wasn’t the only one benefiting the conversations and that I was also giving back and sharing a part of myself to build friendships.

7) Know when to talk and not to.

You are not the only introvert in this world. You’ll meet a traveler who is just like you who is shy and is not really comfortable with long chats. In Couchsurfing, most of them are travelers who had been traveling for days. Some may miss talking to someone as in the case of solo travelers. But some of them, too, haven’t had much sleep being on the road for days. In short, they might want to just sleep or they might just want to relax their mind.

In Boracay, guests join Pubcrawl with the knowledge that they can meet people and make friends. But not all of them are really comfortable with talking and maybe they just joined for the drinks or the clubs or they might just have other ways to connect with people.

One of my roles as an assistant to the Captains in Pubcrawl was to connect the guests to one another, as much as possible, with almost everyone in the group. I tried reaching out to two Korean girls but every after initial introductions, they would separate themselves and would stay in the corner. They told me that they’d make friends in the next bar when there will be dancing already. Dancing is how they will communicate with other crawlers.

Okay, so you might be thinking you have so many to think about when talking to strangers and it gets you more anxious. These are just some pointers I have for myself which you may or may not apply but I’m not telling you to think about them when you’re on the spot. I know how it feels to think a lot about what to say, getting them all crowded in your mind only to not speak a word of it.

Let go. Be authentic. Be you.

That is probably the most important tip that I’m leaving you.